Top Ten Lessons Learned from Planning a Wedding

I like my top ten tradition. I never update this thing, and I was inspired. Here are my top ten lessons (in no particular order) from planning a wedding. I am obviously thrilled to get married, but I like to keep with my witty sarcastic tone for the blog. I still maintain the fact that no one wants to read an online emotional diary.

10. Yes, the stereotype is unfortunately true. Church ladies are mean. They won't even let you look at their church unless you are a member or pay them the right price. Can we say....SATAN? (an old school SNL reference)
9. If the groom genuinely cares about the color scheme and china patterns, that is a major cause for concern. Even though it might seem "unsupportive," when the groom's answer to most questions is "I don't care honey," that's a good sign.
8. Wedding dress shopping is not the dream they make it out to be in movies or on TV. Let me paint the following scenario: You walk into a salon where snobby plastic surgery looking older women greet you. You proceed into a dressing room where you get practically nude in front of a stranger. You put on dresses that most likely don't fit feeling claustrophobic while the lady practically feels you up trying to get it to work all the while naming your boobs "puppies" when speaking about the neckline. Then, you walk out to have way too much estrogen weighing in on how it looks on you. Apparently, if you don't cry, it isn't the right dress.
7. The less opinions the better. Whatever you do, do not ask your mother, grandmother, mother-in-law, grandmother-in-law, aunt, bridesmaids, etc. all to weigh in on every decision. Then you will start to hear the craziest opinions emerge such as: buffets are inappropriate, a DJ is absolutely unacceptable, tea length is "tacky" at evening weddings, etc. etc.
6. I recommend an extremely flaming florist if you can find one. It makes you feel like you are in Father of the Bride with "Fronk." It at least adds entertainment when they send you emails about your "perfect color palette for a fabulous springtime soiree."
5. You know you have a messed up family when you have to get the latest on who isn't speaking to whom and who is recently written out of whomever's will to figure out your guest list.
4. When a woman at a bridal salon tells you that you have an "athletic" build, that's her sly way of saying you are fat. Alas, and we wonder why most brides resort to pre-wedding starvation.
3. There is such a thing as too much wedding planning. That's why I recommend graduating from law school and sitting for the bar exam all at the same time to take your mind off of it. Wait, am I insane? yes I am, thank you
2. The thought of a destination wedding and eloping become more and more attractive. But then you won't be able to have all your friends, family, etc. etc. at a HUGE event that costs more than a year at most colleges for really only a few hours. (sigh)
1. If I never see another green fabric swatch in my entire life, I would consider myself lucky.